Three Little Pigs- Schwarz Style
by Ham Sama Hidaka
Summary: Schwarz messes up the classical story of 'The Three Little Pigs' Guest Stars: Most of Weiß


Untitled 

Three Little Pigs- Schwarz Style 

Author's Notes: Okay, yeah, I already know I'm a dumb ass. You don't have to tell me twice! R/R please!! 

Three Little Pigs- Schwarz Style 

Narrator: This is the story of the three little pigs and the big, bad wolf. Once upon a time, there were three little pigs [Nagi, Schuldich, and Farfie are shown in pig costumes] and one day, the three had to leave home to live by themselves [They are exiting a really cheap plastic house] 

Nagi: This sucks... 

Schuldich: You're telling me? 

Farfie: Us dressed up as pigs hurt God... 

Schuldich: [whacks Farfie in the head] Shut up... 

Narrator: [looks at the trio oddly] Ermm...like I was saying, one day they had to leave home and build their own houses and live on their own. Before they left the cottage- - 

Nagi: If you could even call that a cottage... 

Narrator: [shoots an evil look at Nagi] Like I was saying, before they left the cottage, their mother- - 

Schuldich: What mother? 

Narrator: SHUT UP AND LET ME SAY MY DAMN LINES!!!!!!! 

Nagi and Schuldich: Gomen...[snicker, snicker] 

Farfie: Cussing in a kids story hurts God... 

Narrator: LOOK! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT, SO SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!! [Shuldich, Nagi, and Farfie shut up] Ahem...before they left, their mother warned them of the big, bad wolf. But, since these little pigs never listened to what any one told them, they ignored their mother. The three little pigs went their seperate ways to build their own houses. The first one wanted to make his house of straw, so he went to a man who stole straw. 

Farfie: [script in hand] [walks up to Aya who is carrying a wheel burrow full of shredded yellow construction paper][reads off the script very slowly] I would like some straw to build a house... 

Aya: That's nice...it'll cost ya... 

Farfie: How much? 

Aya: 3,000 yen. 

Farfie: Losing that much money just to build a house hurts God...[pays Aya 3,000 yen and takes the straw.] 

Narrator: And the second one wanted to make his house out of sticks, so he went to a man who sold sticks. 

Schuldich: [walks up to Ken] My house, 8:00 sharp, remember that... 

Ken: [blushes] Ermm..okay... 

Narrator: SAY YOUR GOD DAMN LINES!!!!!!!!!! 

Farfie: [appears from offstage] Saying God's name in vain hurts God...[gets whacked on the head by the narrator] 

Narrator: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!! 

Farfie: That felt good...do it again! 

Narrator: [throws Farfie off the set] NOW, STAY OFF UNTIL IT'S YOUR SCENE!!!! [to Ken and Schuldich] Now, say your lines...or else... 

Shuldich: [mutters] I think the narrator is p.m.s'ing...[Ken nods in agreement] 

Narrator: I HEARD THAT!!!!! NOW, GET WITH THE PLAY!!!!!! 

Schuldich: FINE!!! [to Ken] I would like some sticks so I can build a stick house... 

Ken: Okay, and how big is the house? 

Schuldich: I dunno...well...give me all your sticks... 

Ken: That'll be...ermm...alot of money... 

Everyone else: ....~.~" 

Schuldich: Lets just skip the rest of the scene [takes the sticks and walks off] 

Narrator: And the third little pig decided to make his house of bricks...[decides not to show him buying some bricks] And, so he built his house and blah, blah, blah. Well, one day the big bad wolf [Brad appears in the picture dressed in a wolf costume] 

Brad: Well, there goes my professional look... 

Narrator: Was walking through the place, when he saw a house made of straw. 

Brad: This is *so* stupid...[Narrator whacks Brad over the head with a newspaper] 

Narrator: Shut up...and when he peeped into the window, he saw a little pig. So he went and knocked on the door. 

Brad: [Knocking on the door wich is made of construction paper] [all boredish like] Little pig, little pig, let me come in. 

Farfie:[reading off the script and speaking slowly] Not by the hair on my chiney-chin-chin. 

Brad: [looks at the Narrator] Do I *have* to say this? [Narator nods] Shit...Then I'll huff and I'll puff then I'll blow your cheap-ass house down. 

Farfie: I'd like to see you try. 

Narrator: Then the wolf started hufing and puffing [Brad goes off stage and comes back on with a giant hairdryer] and he huffed and he puffed [Brad turns on the hair dryer to full blast] and he blew the house down. [the cheap house falls over] 

Farfie: What a cheap-ass house I made. [smiles] If I get eaten, that'll hurt God... 

Narrator: The little pig ran away to his second brother's- - 

Farfie: Why can't I get eaten? 

Narrator: Because... 

Farfie: If I don't get eaten, I'll kill you... 

Narrator: o.O'' Fine...the wolf gobbled up the first little pig and stalked over to the second little pig's straw house. Then, he went and knoked on the door. 

Brad: [knocks on the door] [all boredish like] Little pig, little pig, let me come in... 

Schuldich: [lauging hysterically because he thinks Brad looks so *stupid* in the wolf costume] Not by the hair on my chiney-chin-chin.....hahaha!!! 

Brad: [mumbles] Shut the hell up, Schuldich...[louder and clearer] Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your cheap-ass house down. 

Schuldich: [mumbles to Brad] Fuck you...[louder so everyone can hear him] Oh yeah? Well, why don't you just kick it down, it's a cheap-ass house, remeber? 

Narrator: Then the wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down[Brad kicks the house and it falls] then the second little pig ran to his little brother's house[Schuldich walks slowly to the third house] 

Schuldich: [knocking on the door] Nagi! NAGI!!!! OPEN UP!!!! [keeps knocking on the door, but noone awnsers] [puts ear tothe door and hears groaning and moaning] o.O'' NAGI! ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH THE WEIß KID?!?!?!?!?!?! [just more moaning and groaning] You know what? This is sick. I quit. [Schuldich throws down the script and stalks off stage, followed by everyone else, exept for Nagi and Omi who are, well, you know.] 

Narrator: Ermm...the end? 

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